Berdyansk Morning (Tamara’s Heart Reflection)

Friday, January 25th, Middle of the night until around 4:00am.

Well, I’m finding myself back in the book of Psalms….104. It’s especially beautiful in the Old King James version and I happen to have a tiny one with me. It starts out with “Bless the Lord O my soul. O Lord my God, thou art very great; thou art clothed with honour and majesty. Who coverest thyself with light as with a garment, who stretchest out the heavens like a curtain. Who layeth the beams of his chambers in the waters; who maketh the clouds his chariot; who walketh among the wings of the wind. Who maketh his angels spirits, his ministers a flaming fire; who laid the foundation of the earth, that it should not be removed forever. Thou coveredest it with the deep as a garment; the waters stood above the mountains……….”

I somehow feel I’m the only one awake in this dark, quiet, seaport city. As I look intently out the window in our little room, it’s just me and a soft, ivory moon staring back at each other. I feel as though I’m intruding on his privacy. I stretch and yawn as he hangs there, immobile, like a proud ruler of the midnight and dawn. I look out over the shadowy darkness of Berdyansk. I can’t believe I’m here for a third time, attempting to adopt three more older children. Berdyansk has been like a delivery room for me over the past 6 ½ years, as four of our children were born here in a village on the outskirts of town. Now, God has brought us back here, to this tiny piece of the world for three more. I gaze upward out over the bare trees and remember how I prayed and told the Lord I would go back to Berdyansk for the adoption only in warm weather. Being by the sea, Berdyansk can have icy winds that cut through you like a knife. In Alabama, we fry eggs on the sidewalk in hot, humid summers and sometimes wear no jackets at Christmas. I smile, very aware of the fact that He is God. He heard me, but he didn’t take into consideration my “condition”. It’s January and the glass on the window in front of me is icy. I can hear the wind outside. I could breathe hard and the windows would frost. I shiver as I realize that sometimes my prayers are cold and selfish.

I look out again into this lonely city called Berdyansk. I know the murky sea is just over and behind some buildings. Salty waves are tossing in the breeze, if at the moment there is not 4 feet of solid ice covering the top! Not far away are three boys peacefully sleeping in an orphanage where they first entered 9 years ago. That was the beginning of their struggle as “orphans” shortly after their young Mother died. Since that time, they have never seen anyone in their extended family again. I gaze upward, toward heaven, where I know she must be.

Just as in that timeless Psalm,…. the sky is like a charcoal curtain stretched out with stars like scattered specks of silver. I’m waiting here in the stillness of this morning at the verge of dawn, in more ways than one. I must admit, no matter how much we do, or how busy our day has been, I find myself anxiously waiting for that first ray of light to peek through over the distance. Right now, I’m listless as I stare out into the dark streets below. I read on and pause on a verse. “He appointed the moon for seasons: the sun knoweth his going down.” How often do I realize the moon was “appointed” by God to do a specific job for the whole universe? I highly take that ball of light for granted, I think. The town has a dimly lit glow, like soft candlelight. A passing car causes a flicker of light on the streets. I keep reading. “O Lord, how manifold are thy works! In wisdom, thou hast made them all; the earth is full of thy riches.” I think of God’s wisdom, not just as Creator, but as my Heavenly Father.

I know my prayers might not always line up with the will of God. I pray for something, and at times, God says ok, yes. Other times I pray and He says, that isn’t the plan. Still I look up at this round, huge lantern in the sky, called a moon, and I know it’s there because a wise, sovereign Creator hung it there long ago. I didn’t have anything to do with that. Compared to Him,…yes, I am very small. But I rejoice that I don’t have to worry about my own life! He made the moon and the stars and set the heavens with the span of His Hand. I’m in that very Hand that carved out the universe, and this minuscule corner of the world by the Azov Sea called Berdyansk. I glance back at the psalm. “So is this great and wide sea, wherein things are creeping innumerable and great beasts. There go the ships…..”

He is a Mighty, Awesome Creator, filled with love and wisdom and He made everything there is and he made my children. He created them with me in mind. He placed a love for them in my heart that I simply cannot comprehend. He brought me here for His own purposes. Despite all of this, I could walk away. The thought crossed our minds in a moment of uncertainty. I could say that I’ve had enough of the resistance and struggle. But I would miss the miracle of this moment and of this day and of His plan.

He made this Berdyansk morning just for me. I know it. He knew long ago when He formed me in my Mother’s womb; I would someday awaken in the early morning to peer out this window, and up into the dark sky wanting to question Him. But I don’t question Him. I choose to trust Him. I read on. “These wait all upon thee, that thou mayest give them their meat in due season. That thou givest them they gather; thou openest thy hand, they are filled with good. Thou hidest thy face, they are troubled; thou takest away their breath, they die, and return to their dust.”

I just said goodbye to two people who were like parents to me. They both died at Christmas after long illnesses…I lost a baby 3 years ago just before Christmas. It seems Christmas and winter have been full of grief over the past few years. Yet, God has changed my mourning to laughter. I can’t tell you how often on this trip I have burst into laughter. I am almost embarrassed as it has happened even in serious situations. It’s like I’m overflowing with joy and it just spills out regardless of the situation. The psalm continues, “The glory of the Lord shall endure forever; the Lord shall rejoice in his works.” I look at Sasha’s smile and his eyes and I see the sunrise. I can’t help but smile. I can’t help but laugh. I look at Vitya’s face and remember how I wept for him and his situation. Now, we’re here and I can embrace him and hear his laughter. I don’t know where you can find joy like this anywhere in the world. Simply doing God’s will brings joy. The verses end with,“ I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have my being. My meditation of him shall be sweet; I will be glad in the Lord.” Zhenya was torn away from his brothers when he was seven and still hurting over the loss of his Mother. Now, he stands before me with open arms, wanting a hug. When he sees us, a smile breaks out, although he is more shy and tries not to show his emotions. Coming here was definitely part of His plan.

In creation we observe there is a time and a season for everything. I’ve had a season of mourning. I’ve had my time to cry and I walked that path and endured it. And I’m finding myself at the threshold of another season….. and I am laughing. How often do we give up in a difficult season, when there is another season about to begin that will bring us great delight? So, I thank God for this Berdyansk morning, a new beginning, another season. I thank God for this change in my life, and for leading me here, despite the difficulties along the way.

Soon, the struggles will fade in our memory. I pray that when I look back on this time, I won’t even remember the cold outside or the icy, unkindness of some of the officials, or the problems we faced. I pray all that remains in my memory are moments like this one…this quiet morning with God, Sasha’s radiant smile, Vitya’s glowing eyes and laughter, Zhenya’s warm hug.

If even the moon was appointed by God to be steady and sure for centuries, then surely I can stand still for a little while and trust a Wise, Sovereign Creator. I too can be still and simply shine in the darkness. And maybe, someone looking out their window one restless morning will see my light…and choose to trust God even more. ~